Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
