she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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