i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
