wanna go halves on a baby?
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Randomize
