i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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