He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
