i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
