My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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