dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
only you would photoshop your dick
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
