On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
