my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
