I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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