Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
