My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
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You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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