she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
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I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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