Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
