I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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