Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
