it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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