Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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