$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Randomize
