It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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