someone threw a dead crab at me
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
