So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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