Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
you never un-have a 4some
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
