apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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