did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
