she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
