Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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