today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
