im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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