My room smells like vodka and shame
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
