You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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