So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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