got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
