there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
