why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If I die, sorry about rent.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
