Dude my mom stole all your condoms
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
