he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
