then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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