bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
