The maid of honor just puked.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
