My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
