we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
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I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
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I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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