Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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