Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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