Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hippo gnu deer
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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