My nipple is on Facebook.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Randomize
