totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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