That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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