9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
