I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
